Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Worst Case Scenario

Following Jo's post about the merits and problems with canvassing and leafleting during election campaigns, I was wondering what the worst case scenario would be for me:

EXT. HOUSE AT END OF STREET. LONG DRIVEWAY, GATES WITH SECURITY CAMERAS.
PLACRAD ON GATE WALL SAYING "NO JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES, EVANGELISTS, OR JUNK MAIL"
OUR INTREPID HERO CAUTIOUSLY MOVES FORWARD. ONE MINUTE AND THIRTY SECONDS LATER HE RINGS ON THE DOORBELL.
THERE IS NO SOUND FROM THE BELL. HE RINGS IT AGAIN. AGAIN THERE IS NO SOUND.
THEN A MIDDLE AGED MAN, DRESSED IN BURBERRY CLOTHES, AND LOOKING LIKE PRINCE PHILIP COMES TO THE DOOR.

PRINCE PHILIP LOOKALIKE: Hello!

ME: Oh, er hi! As you probably know there is an election this co...

PRINCE PHILIP LOOKALIKE: Yes I am perfectly aware of that. You're Labour aren't you. Horrible little man out to take all my money with council tax.

ME: Well I...

PRINCE PHILIP LOOKALIKE: Pack of Communists with your nanny state ideas. Last week I went to the pub with my friends and I had five tequilas, followed by two Jeroboams of champaigne. On the way home I suffered the impertinence of being stopped by the police and breathalized. Now one more point off my licence and I will probably get banned for six months. Welcome to Blair's police state Britain.

ME: But I..

PRINCE PHILIP LOOKALIKE: And I have to pay a minimum wage to the hired help who have come straight over here from Latvia. Disgraceful. Bad enough we have all these immigrants. Well I have had enough, I have a friend here for the weekend. He will know what to do. (CALLS OUT) Otis.. Otis...


PRINCE PHILIP LOOKALIKE: You have five minutes to get out of the driveway. If you live that long!

ME RUNNING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY AS FAST AS I CAN WITH FIVE ROTWEILERS IN CLOSE PURSUIT.

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Canvassing and leafleting doesn't seem so bad now does it! ;)

8 comments:

torytorytory said...

LOL...love your Tory caricature. Sounds like the Colonel Blimp-types that I like so much.

In the 2005 election campaign I was in Liverpool and accompanied an activist friend canvassing there. Liverpool is not exactly paradise for us and any Tory supporter you could find was like finding a Jew in Mecca. We had to keep answering questions about Boris Johnson's supposed hatred of Liverpudlians.

My friend's reponse to the 'Why bother here' attitude was a very stoical 'someone has to make an effort'.

Paul Burgin said...

"LOL...love your Tory caricature. Sounds like the Colonel Blimp-types that I like so much."

Well I was trying to think of a worst case sceneario. I like the Colonel Blimp types so that was slightly unfair, but if I did a self made businessman with a shaven haid called Darren from Romford, that would equally be unkind

"In the 2005 election campaign I was in Liverpool and accompanied an activist friend canvassing there. Liverpool is not exactly paradise for us and any Tory supporter you could find was like finding a Jew in Mecca. We had to keep answering questions about Boris Johnson's supposed hatred of Liverpudlians."

Wasn't it Simon Heffer who wrote that and Boris Johnson who was silly enough to publish it! Didn't help your chances in Liverpool though!

torytorytory said...

Wasn't it Simon Heffer who wrote that and Boris Johnson who was silly enough to publish it!

I know, but many media outlets were were wrongly reporting that it was Boris Johnson whohad said the stuff about Liverpudlians wellowing in their victim status. Bo-Jo's always been a bit of a buffoon. I suppose it's compulsary for each party to have a clown in their ranks. Labour has Prescott and the LibDems has Lembit Opik. That's the state of British politics for you.

Skuds said...

Never make assumptions!

The grandest house I ever went to belonged to a Sir & Lady. Solid country residence, been in the family for generations sort of house, in & out drive. Every oil painting on the walls was either of an ancestor or painted by one.

The man was, however, a staunch socialist and member of the local Labour party.

(This was in the 70s when the two were more compatible.)

Anyway... good scenario. Even better than what actually did happen to me this year. Knocked on door of (ex) council house. Man in vest & tattoos opens door and immediately says "I'm not voting Labour because they banned hunting."

Paul Burgin said...

I've had that, and at the risk of inverted snobbery you do think "What has it got to do with you!"
I was partly drawing from personal experience (i.e. The posh rudeness)in my sceneario, but some of my fellow CLP GC members are fairly posh so I was not denegrating a particular social group on purpose

Tim Roll-Pickering said...

Isn't Boris now a cultural ambassador or something for Liverpool? Wonders never cease...

I always find the social presumptions bizarre, mainly because I learnt to canvass in a mix of parts of south London full of Lib Dem voters and in Canterbury where it seemed that the Conservative vote in the city itself was almost exclusively working class, with all the posh houses between the university campus and town being full of Labour members!

Speaking of reverse stereotypes, there's another Steptoe and Son DVD out about now and the cover's from the "My Old Man's A Tory" episode showing Albert with a Conservative poster...

Paul Burgin said...

In Baldock Town where I have campaigned in standing for District Council, and speaking generally here. The town centre, irrespective of class, seems to generally be Labour/Lib Dem, whilst the fringes are Conservative

Paul Burgin said...

And they carry the votes